Wish List of An American Glutton

In precisely one week from today, I'll be making my first U.S. return trip, and it's going to be a lengthy three-week visit. Truthfully, I feel a little strange about coming home already - I'll have lived in Abu Dhabi exactly three months at that point. I'm obviously not coming home every three months, and three weeks will be equal to 25% of my total time in The Middle East thus far, so it almost seems like I should be holding out longer.

On the other hand, returning to the U.S. during UAE's 110- to 120-degree summer months makes the most sense, I don't yet have a job limiting my vacation time, and a trip around the 4^th of July gives me the best chance to see maximum family and friends.

You could definitely make a case (and I'm planning to get more into that tomorrow) that I've been away too briefly to make this trip into a self-indulgent Americana party. Yet if you know me well enough, you know that's obviously what I'm doing anyways. Also, my game plan revolves around eating and drinking.

Here's my mission, with items ranked by importance:

Must-Get Foods

5 Charcoal Deli pit beef – Hell this was on my list every time I came up to Cockeysville from Arlington. Why is pit beef not a bigger deal everywhere? It's the Built To Spill of foods.

4 Crab Pickin' – Probably going to happen in Bethany, most likely at Mickey's. But I don't even care, I'll take any place that sticks steamed, Old Bay-laden crabs in front of you on a tray. More than anything else on the list, this appeals to me for the home-sweet-home-y experience as much as the delectability.

3 Hearty pizza – You can get pizza here that is very decent or pizza that is unmoving, but either way, it's going to be very flat with finely minced toppings. It leaves me craving American pizza with thick crust, thicker cheese and tomato sauce layers and corpulent toppings. Bottoms Up of Richmond jumps to mind as the opposite of UAE pizza, but I will happily settle for Maria's and Grotto.

2 Maryland snowballs – As hot as it is and as much as people love dessert here (now that we have a new Bloomsbury cupcakes next door, that Al Wahda Mall now has nine dessert-specific stores by my count), there are no shaved ice-type offerings. On a related note when I get home, I'm going to see if Snoasis as any interest in expanding the franchise to Abu Dhabi. My preferred flavors will be: 1- chocolate mint 2 Hawaiian delight – 3 root beer float.

1 Homemade char-grilled bacon cheeseburger – Bacon is attainable in special bacon rooms at certain UAE grocery stores, but we don't have an outdoor grill, and even if we did, I'd be uneasy about cooking bacon outside. I fear the smell would offend Muslims.

The Rest of the Top 20

20 Buttered popcorn – Couldn't get it buttered at the movies here

19 A brat – Anywhere to get a good brat in the O'Hare Airport? That's where my damn second layover is

18 G+M crab cake

17 Chipotle – burrito bowl

16 Gumbo – Possibly from Cheesecake Factory

15 Denny's or IHOP – Preferably between midnight and 3 a.m.

14 Authentic or semi-authentic Mexican – Overserve me with some type of combo platter

13 Make your own ice cream sundae - Preferably in a plastic MLB team hat

12 McDonalds McNuggets – McDonalds is huge here but strangely no McNuggets on the menu

11 Maryland sub shop subs – Be it cheesesteak, Italian cold cut, G&M crab cakes

10 Dogfishhead beer

9 Sushi buffet (Any suggestions on where?)

8 Wings – Preferably while watching sports on Gheorghe Hagi (the name of my TV that didn't make the trip to UAE)

7 Miller's corned beef sandwich and matzah ball soup

6 Gooey blender drinks – Topping the list are Mudslides and Dreamsicles

5 McDonalds sausage egg and cheese McMuffin and bacon egg and cheese biscuit in one run - We can get this here, but its a crappy replica with no pork)

Seven Activities on the “To Do” List

7 Enjoy Fireworks – I'm not sure if this is possible. The excitement returns I get from watching firework displays diminished into nothing long ago. In my opinion, the lack of innovation in fireworks is mind-boggling – I've been watching pretty much the same array since I was four. In fact, I think how much I enjoy fireworks on the 4^th will be the truest test of the extent to which I'm homesick.

6 Gamble – Poker. Sports. Inane arguments. Let's put our money where our mouth is as much as possible over those 3 weeks (Hopefully my friend Trey gets wind of this)

5 Spend a bunch of Dirhams at The Rusty Rudder

4 Kick a female in the hindquarters in a crowded public place with no repercussions – Fair warning to my cousins

3 Watch The Hangover 2 in U.S. theatres - Where the the censors won't rob me of Ken Jeoung wang shots in all their glory. Also my tradition for this type of movie is to sneak Jack Daniels into the theater, but given my falling tolerance, I may try to smuggle a giant margarita instead

2 Watch any live American sports – I'll be excited for the MLB All-Star game for the first time in 10 years.

1 Hugging – Hug my family but good; one-arm hug my friends awkwardly; hug a certain black lab like a Snoopy/Charlie Brown reunion

I will be cataloging my success with this list as meticulously as I laid it out.

Also, this entire blog entry should make a nice segue into tomorrow's proposed topic – What is culture shock?...Am I that?...Is it something to be ashamed of?