Two-Channel Surfin': A Rankings Rundown of my Either/Or American TV Preferences Based on Abu Dhabi Availability

I'm a TV-watchin' guy, and Ramadan is a TV-watchin' time.

Food and drink, as you probably have ascertained by now, are a huge part of the social culture here. Our weekly plans are basically anchored by eating out and nightlife. For its observers, Ramadan is removing alcohol beverages from the equation throughout the month, while daylight is foodless. Except in home settings, adult drink is basically off limits for the rest of us as is food during daylight, leaving everybody with a lot of new time on their hands to work with. Given the 110-degree heat (give or take 8 degrees), TV is a solution for many.

The rest of this entry is for regular-to-highly-avid American TV watchers who wonder what TV life is like in a country with round-the-clock access to quite limited and random American shows from the last 25 years...plus anyone who might find the creature in the former sentence strangely fascinating.

This list is a pecking order of a smattering of television shows likely to appear on our two OSN (overlorded by Showtime) comedy channels - which earn the grand majority of my TV viewing, despite the fact that we have hundreds of other channels (more than 2/3 in foreign languages) - rated from "I'd Rather Be Outside Fasting With The Mistreated Pakistani Construction Workers" to "You Just Made My Ramadan." Also, it should be noted that there's a lot more griping than exalting to follow.

While I write this post, I don't even have to think too hard about the rankings - I watch a ton of TV, the shows that OSN seems to own the rights to is relatively limited, the programming order is completely random and there are two stations...meaning I have probably already made a Channel 398 or 399 head-to-head decision for every two of these shows.

20 Just Shoot Me - The concept was bad, the scripts were bad, David Spade killed any credibility he built during Saturday Night Live, and for the 45 seconds or less that I watch Just Shoot Me as it plays constantly in the UAE, I think: This should have been the last program ever with a laugh track. What kind of group think/old-guard mentality bullshit leads executives to think a laugh track still augments a show? It's like they're worried it doesn't shout "This Is Contrived!" loudly enough.

19 The New Adventures Of Old Christine - I think CBS has drawn a line in the sand between blue state elitests and red state mayonaisse-sandwich eaters better than any political issue over the last 11 years.

18 Hot In Cleveland - I haven't watched closely enough to know what this show is - if my choices are this or No. 19 or No. 20, then that's when I'm going to wash dishes - but if I had to guess, I'd say the pitch was Designing Women meets The Drew Carey Show combined with She's The Sheriff.

17 The Jay Leno Show - I find myself tuning in for 2-3 minutes because of its day-to-day topical nature (this type of program usually airs 1-2 days behind in the UAE), but then the total lack of cleverness in Leno's humor makes me red with anger, and I change it to The World According To Jim dubbed in Arabic or, God, anything. Leno is the show on this list that makes me the most physically angry at its popularity for the small duration that I watch it, way more so than No. 15 or No. 13. If you've ever seen the 1990 Lord Of The Flies movie, I sometimes fantasize about going Roger on Leno like he's Piggy.

16 Melissa And Joey - I change the channel after watching for a few minutes...but I'm not pissed off like I am with Leno. I'm more nostalgic for Gimme A Break and Clarissa Explains It All and, to a far lesser extent, Blossom and Sabrina The Teenage Witch.

15 Two And A Half Men - I was following the Charlie Sheen 2.5 Men fallout closely for a while, then I instantaneously got sick of it, started avoiding it and forgot whatever I learned. I assume it all boiled down to the anguish of working with John Cryer, right? Also, as much as I hate this show, I will illegally download the first episode of the next season and put my Samsung at risk for viruses, because I'm fascinated to see how they write derp Ashton Kutcher into it.

14 The Drew Carey Show - I think the only time I watched a full episode of this show in The States was in the Toyota Dealership waiting room when Lavar The Car was getting new tires, but I've probably watched all or part of 70 episodes or so here. It got pretty experimental towards the end of its run, but the fact that Drew continued to find decent looking 35-plus-year-old single women in Cleveland to date him was beyond suspension of disbelief.

13 Curb Your Enthusiasm - This is on a long list of pop culture items everyone loves but I dislike, along with Abbey Road, A History Of Violence and Lee Corso, to the point where it makes me sour which causes my buddy Schwartz to lash out at my contrarianism. If Larry David's character was staging a war with Ashton Kutcher's character from That 70s Show, I would side with the latter. Larry David is NO George Costanza, damnit.

12 Traffic Light - There are a few shows that we get here that are not fresh or particularly funny, but I watch for a while pondering their American origin. This is one of them. This show was canceled by the time it got to us (or I could be completely wrong), as I think some of the actors are now on current, more successful shows. Working in entertainment the last five years, I had a pretty good idea what was on the dial and where and when. So curious. Was it a short-lived show on Fox in 2007 that slipped out of my memory? Is possible were getting shows that were too generic/forgettable to ever get picked up? So curious.

11 The Simpsons - Of course it's all very late season Simpsons, and yes that ranking is valid...I would choo choo choose The Simpsons Season 20 over Traffic Light, but I regularly pick the next five shows all ahead of Season 20 Simpsons. Sigh.

10 The League - I still think this show sucks. I love toilet, sex and drug humor as much as the next guy, but The League's implementation of it hardly ever catches me off guard. Even worse, they have a fuggin 6-team fantasy football league. The Wire had like 50 characters in the first season and they grew the cast from there...these guys don't even have the confidence to write in at least 2 or 4 side characters and round out the league at 8 or 10 guys? Their portrayal of fantasy football is too far beneath the brand that I'm used to for this show to ever be relevant, satisfying.

9 How I Met Your Mother - I do laugh at this show, but the male characters are lamer than late-period Friends. I am dreaming of a How I Met Your Mother/Always Sunny crossover episode, the latter calling out the pervasive effeminacy of the former. Barney being held up as a man's man...get bent, Barney.

8 Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - I still think Jimmy Fallon is pretty hacky - not quite a Leno in training, but not that far removed, either. But whether it's him or creative talent behind the scenes, whoever keeps coming up with ideas like Jason Bateman re-enacting a scene from Teenwolf 2 is giving us comedy gold.

7 My Boys - Fine make fun of me, but the characters are drawn fairly atypically, fairly realistically. Not much happens in it and the show probably skews female, but when My Boys takes the screen in Abu Dhabi, I happily watch if Leslie doesn't make me change it to The Food Network. I promise you if I could figure out the league formats and the airing times for rugby, I'd choose that at 11 am on a Sunday over My Boys.

6 Community - I'm even fonder of this program now that each viewing spurs consideration of the strange genius of creator Dan Harmon, after reading this excellent AV Club series on the process for each episode of Season 2.

5 Seinfeld - A year ago, I could rarely stay tuned for a full 30 minutes of a Seinfeld rerun - I had finally reached my Seinfeld saturation point. Now when it comes on in Abu Dhabi, it satisfies again like a classic rock station playing "Naive Melody."

4 30 Rock - Okay, this is one of those pop cultures items I once pooh-poohed with my arms folded, only to do a 180 years later (like with the band Grizzly Bear). I can no longer manufacture excuses about how my initial negative impressions were reasonable. I now realize that 30 Rock was always quite clever. My bad. However, I still despise Jack McBrayer - I would like to see his character traded to 2.5 Men for the kid, who now is ripe for humor, demonstrating how comically strange puberty is.

3 It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - He's a small man, but I think Charlie Day's cleverness, apparent in both his mental and physical comedy, is a reminiscent of John Candy.

2 The Daily Show - In the U.S. or in the U.A.E., watching the first 10 minutes of The Daily Show remains the closest feeling I'll ever get to the satisfaction of punching power brokers in the gut for their moronic, backwards or deceitful actions. We typically get the week's new Daily Shows late night Tuesday through late night Friday, and I'm excited about its return by the time we get to Tuesday.

1 Southpark - Southpark takes the most coveted spot on this list because I love the show AND I haven't over-watched the reruns, but don't discount the smokin-in-the-boys-room-like thrill of watching an unedited show that features the likes of Mr. Slave and the boy band Fingerbang, in your family room in a conservative religious state.

Ramadan Kareem from the Good People at Baskin Robbins or Showtime or Fairmont Hotels

Four days into Ramadan, and I figured it was worth documenting that the commercialization of cherished holidays is alive and well here.

I've never had any real issue with the profiteering around Christmas, and I don't really have a negative reaction to the explosion of Ramadan-related advertising we've had over the last few weeks in the UAE, either. I know many Americans who disagree, finding the annual inundation of Christmas ads exploitative, soulless.

My feeling: Sure they're competing for our business foremost, but that happens year round. The optimist in me thinks that holiday advertising usually comes from a genuine place, IE the Post creative leads felt a childlike glee when they were writing the script for Fred to share his Fruity Pebbles with Barney in the spirit of Christmas. I think we get some of our best ads around the holidays.

The Ramadan hype is inescapable here like Christmas in the U.S. - in the mall eateries, on television where they're wishing you a Ramadan Kareem and promising extra-compelling programming to keep your mind off fasting, and at every hotel competing to have you celebrate Iftar in their lavish tents (like the one outside our apartment). Come enjoy the buffet filled with traditional Arabic foods (I tried Syrian Oozie on Monday) and smoke some sheesha for between 30-60 U.S. dollars per person.

So if you're the type who frets over the commercialization of Christmas or Ramadan, I'm pretty sure it's an Earth-wide phenomenon. In my opinion, you might as well let it roll off your back and enjoy the holidays, ya fuddy duddy!

Here Comes Ramadan

The non-nuanced view I used to have of "the Arab of the Middle East" is fading away.

I don't feel particularly guilty that I used to have basically 1-3 pictures in my head of what a Gulf Coast Arab would look and act like, just like I don't feel guilty that my imagination envisions every Uruguayan as a male or female version of Diego Forlan or Luis Suarez - I've never been near "Uruguay," so if you say that word, I'm going to associate it with the few people, mannerisms, history-class notes, etc. that stuck in my memory.

I am pleased to be gaining depth to my understanding of people and customs in this region, and it would be pretty sweet if I can get to Uruguay one day soon and hammer away at my ignorance there.

My concept of the holy month of Ramadan, like so many things from Earth including the Yakuza and Robert Mosbacher, has long been shaped by one line from The Simpsons:

"Have a merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, kwazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan," Krusty the Clown tells his viewers, during an American holiday-season broadcast.

A solemn, dignified Ramadan...sounds a little austere for my holiday preferences.

Above is a picture of our apartment building to the right, and in the middle, the tent they have been setting up for weeks now, which I believe will serve as a festive eating and socializing place during Ramadan. Normally, that area would all be a walkway, where kids from our building often congregate to play soccer in the late afternoon (I haven't invited myself to join yet). It is quite the structure for a tent - it winds in the back and I'm sure it's more than 100 feet long in total - plus new items are set up inside it every day, such as that gigantic air-conditioning system you see in the bottom left corner.

Although I know qualities like self-control, humility and purity are connected with the essence of Ramadan, our tent does not look like a place people will visit simply to be solemn, dignified.

Ramadan begins on August 1 this year and ends on August 29 (it changes from year to year based on the moon), with Muslims fasting during sunlight hours. In the evening, there is a fast-breaking meal called Iftar. From what I gather from our Muslim friends, Iftar can be a very social meal, very family- and group-oriented.

For a guy whose favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, it's pretty appealing to imagine the type of food set-up that could fit inside that tent, but believe it or not, it's the socializing that interests me most.

One of my largest disappointments about my UAE experience so far is that people tend to be more distant and less inviting, but I'm also kind of a passive extravert, so I have to shoulder some of the blame. Still I was hoping that with a country of people from everywhere - most relocated to the UAE within the last several years - we would constantly be hanging out with new people from new places without having to try.

Maybe Ramadan will jump-start such experiences. I'll probably be shy about barging into someone's cultural experience, so I'll likely wait for a sign or an invitation to get in the tent.

But even if I don't end up in it, standing on a bench speaking to a circle of Brits and Filipinos and Arabs about the experiences of tailgating at Penn State or visiting movie studios in LA and then hearing about their backgrounds, all while a sweet old lady in an abaya tries to serve me more Ghraybeh cookies...I'm quite excited to at least learn about Ramadan through observation, and hopefully gain a slightly richer understanding of my surroundings.

Road Trip Results: They Can't All Be As Rewarding As Kerouac's Des Moines

Hunter S. Thompson and Jack Kerouac are the men who most inspired me to be the type of 24-year-old who barhopped by himself around Jackson, Tennessee after covering a Birmingham Barons/West Tennessee Diamond Jaxx Double-A baseball game - the type of guy who, when sensing late in the night that nothing interesting was developing beyond a nice drunk and August MLB played soundlessly on a TV in the background, decided to provoke a polo-tucked-in-his-jeans southern college kid who kept playing John Mayer's first album on the jukebox.

As far as road trip idols go, this pair of authors is an unoriginal choice, probably about like a guitar player declaring that the riffs of Elvis and Paul McCartney inspirited them to take up the instrument. But if there are bigger or better giants than Thompson and Kerouac, as far as Making A Good Story Wherever You Go goes, I still haven't discovered them.

While I still smile at the adventures of Thompson, Kerouac and even early-20s Williams, my days of seeking to amuse myself by challenging the conventions and patience of blond frat boys, bartenders, uptight pool-hall dwellers and any other type of local are over. My bear-, monkey- and shrew-poking stick is all but retired.

Therefore, yesterday's soccer road trip to Al Ain was going to have to manufacture its own satisfying plot, and quite frankly that never happened.

The 105-minute drive along Abu Dhabi/Al Ain road was interesting in the same way that driving in UAE is always interesting (which deserves its own entry at some point), with Porsches and Lexuses going 200 kilometers per hour in the hammer lane, wobbly worker buses going 65 kph in the right, and the rest of us fending against both of them with a nebulous speed limit of around 120-140 kph and radar cameras looming.

Al Ain was kind of an interesting town, a hilly suburb that appeared more Arab than Abu Dhabi or Dubai, and I enjoyed how the stadium was set against a craggy horizon. Al Ain is near Oman, and it reminded me of it.

But the atmosphere for the game was lackluster. There were probably over 1,000 fans in a stadium that supposedly seats 12,000, with neither the Indians or the Emirati turning out in full force for the game.

The host-country fans, congregated around midfield along the opposite sideline from me, slightly outnumbered the visitors. They sang the same songs that I heard at the two UAE Pro League games I attended previously, and they certainly cheered for their team, but the mood seemed more like complacency than intensity. My perspective: It's your national team which you don't get to watch play very often, your country's most beloved sport, and what was practically an elimination game on the road to the biggest sporting event in the world - you should have a lot more fans, and the ones that show up should be in a frenzy.

I really think this country needs a marketing overhaul on its brand of soccer. National pride seems to be important to the Emirati - at least the country's brass - and the level of interest in native-land soccer seems embarrassing. Yes, I would love a job market researching and proposing a strategic overhaul of the "selling" of soccer in the UAE (in quotes because entrance to all games are free, another reason it's absurd there aren't more fans attending).

The Indians, who I thought might show up in droves like Mexicans at a U.S./Mexico match in LA, were a compact group confined to two sections in a corner of the stadium. I would say they were more passionately engaged than the UAE fans, but their determination was weakened when their team lost hope in the match rather quickly.

The match itself was bizarre but not compelling, as UAE basically cruised to a 3-0 victory despite a lack of quality finishing. A ref from Qatar awarded UAE two penalty kicks in a matter of two minutes -at about the 19- and 21-minute marks, and neither time did the UAE actually possess the ball in the box...taken altogether, a highly unusual string of occurrences. In a section with a very good view but practically no one around me (I was at about the 30 yard line), I was able to move beside the outdoor press box when the penalties were awarded and catch the replays on a 20-inch tv.

The first penalty/red card was called when a UAE player was running onto a nice chip in the box that would have resulted in a solid scoring opportunity, but as the beaten Indian player used his arms to try to regain defending position, the UAE player fell to the ground with emphasis. A 50-50 call in my book, as the official could have overlooked the foul to penalize the striker for going down so easily.

The second penalty was far worse, as the UAE sent another ball into the box that was handled fairly easily by the Indian goalkeeper. But an Emirati striker charged the goalie anyways, who put his knee up and grazed the UAE player (again, performing the familiar soccer go-down-and-grab-your-ankle act that makes it hard to defend the sport), and somehow that resulted in another penalty kick and the expulsion of India's starting goalie. Of course the Indian fans were livid, and if they actually had filled the stands, the atmosphere would have become hair-raising (especially for the Qatari ref) at that point.

But the majority of the stadium was empty, and I considered a 9 p.m. escape back to Abu Dhabi before the first half ended. I stuck it out though. The fear of the road trip gods punishing me by causing me to miss something memorable is always too great.

Unfortunately, the best story after that point was India, playing 9 against 11 after the two red cards, lasting about 60 minutes of game time before surrendering another goal. Indian back-up goalie Karanjit Singh, who came on to be beaten by UAE's second penalty kick, was the closest thing the game had to a hero, making more on-goal saves than I believe I've ever seen in the pros. Still, even the moral victory didn't end up making much of a story, as UAE scored in the 81st minute, effectively taking it from highly unlikely to nearly impossible for India to come back in Thursday's return game in Delhi. India would need to win by four goals to advance to the next stage of qualifying.

And really that's good for me, because although yesterday's trip lacked indelible stimuli, I still enjoyed the soccer. The UAE isn't as good as Spain or even the U.S., but it's still a pretty high level of play, and at least I can get a front row seat.

Assuming the UAE takes care of business in Delhi, they'll advance to the group stage of qualifying, beginning in September. There will be more opportunities to see home games in UAE, and maybe a match against Australia or China or Iran will bring about the type of high-stakes-soccer culture-on-culture event that I seek, or maybe the road trip gods will just reward my persistence.

(Outside the stadium an hour before game time...you can see our gorgeous Nissan Tiida in front of those buses)

(UAE plays most of the second half taking target practice at India's back-up goalie, but not scoring much)

(Low key post-game congratulations amongst UAE teammates after a low key affair)

A Bolder Move: Solo Soccer Road Trip to Al Ain Begins...Now...

Today is a UAE live sports day I've had circled on the calendar almost since arriving in early April – UAE vs. India in mens soccer, a second-round qualifying match for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil. It's the first of a two-game home and home series, with the return trip happening in Delhi July 28 and the winner (on aggregate goals) advancing to the next round of qualifying, the first group stage.

I'm excited enough about it to road trip approximately two hours on my own (I couldn't sell the event to any takers amongst our hangout group) to Al Ain, an apparently mountainous city of about 350,000 people due east of Abu Dhabi. I'm not certain because I've never been. Adventure! Meanwhile Leslie is cooking for a dinner party at our apartment. Here's hoping our rental Nissan Tiida holds up and I don't have to interrupt to ask to be rescued.

Part of the excitement comes from the opportunity to attend a match in a far-off corner of the sporting universe that I never thought I'd reach. Part of it is the journey itself - a return to the road-trip thrill-seeking I sought in driving to sporting events across the midwest/east/south in my late teens and early 20s.

Conceptually this trip reminds me very much of driving solo from Ann Arbor, Michigan to Madison, Wisconsin to watch Penn State play at Wisconsin in 1998 (early turnovers did in Penn State 24-3 in what should have been a very close game, clenching a Rose Bowl berth for Badgers).

That was when I started seeing myself as a risk taker after years of being afraid of roller coasters and asking girls to dances. I started to realize that eating at a bar in a strange town and people-watching provides its own kind of thrill, as does driving on dimly-lit highways at 3 a.m. with the truckers. About to mimic those journeys internationally, it makes me feel younger and bolder than I usually do, these days.

Now if you know a little about international soccer, you know this match has minimal significance as far as the ultimate World Cup is concerned – probably analogous to the likelihood the 4/5 game in the Atlantic Sun conference tournament ends up affecting the Sweet 16 in NCAA mens basketball. There are only 32 teams that will earn a trip to Brazil, and a maximum of five of them will be from Asia. Both India and the UAE appear to be long shots to make it.

But I love international soccer, and I also love off-the-beaten-path sporting events that are nonetheless important to the locals and therefore come up with a unique, vivid slice of color. This game fits the bill.

The native population (again, only 20% of the country) of the UAE loves the sport, and the power-wielders in this country love spending toward the pursuit of national glory. See: Burj Khalifa. They've already started to take the same approach to soccer, like the signing of legendary Argetenian soccer hero and sideshow Diego Maradona to coach club Al Wasl in the UAE national league next season, and its only a matter of time until this philosophy starts benefiting their World Cup qualifying chances. The UAE has qualified once, in 1990.

This UAE squad is deemed young, talented (possibly a little brash, as demonstrated by this crazy back-heeled penalty kick in a "Friendly" match against Lebanon last week that got tons of international media and online attention), and ready to make a leap forward in their international soccer relevance, and my bet is there will be many Emirati in attendance with greater-than-in-the-past expectations. I believe those lofty expectations will be palpable in the stands.

For India, cricket and (to the best of my knowledge) mens field hockey capture the greatest portion of their sports attention, while those who enjoy soccer probably ally themselves with European and South American teams. I don't believe soccer is viewed as a major Indian sport, but if I'm wrong, I'll learn so tonight.

India qualified for the 1950 World Cup (also in Brazil), apparently because all their Asian opponents forfeited in qualifying, but they did not make the trip to South America, because the event wasn't deemed important enough. Very different times indeed.

While India is much more of a long shot than the UAE to qualify - they are ranked No. 27 amongst AFC teams while the UAE is ranked 1- there are a ton of Indians in this country, and it's likely a significant chunk of that fans tonight will be for India. In fact, the reason the game is in Al Ain, in my non-expert opinion, is because they don't want to make it easy for all the Indian workers in Dubai and Abu Dhabi to get to the game (like when the U.S. soccer team schedules games against Latin countries in Salt Lake City).

I have little idea what to expect out of this trip, but I look forward to reporting back...the place, the people, the excitement of intense competition. Forget about dabbling in fast food from around the world, this was the kind of experience that got my blood flowing when I envisioned The Easy Outsider blog.

Tom Cruise Goes Down Da Burj; We Go Up It

The days of men moving to Abu Dhabi without the slightest idea of the difference between UAE and Qatar, dishdasha and sherwani, Purple Supremes and Veg McPuffs, will soon be past, my friends. The UAE is surging into your homes in news, sports and entertainment programming via newspapers, tv and radio.

Seriously, when Leslie told me she was on the verge of getting a job offer in "Abu Dhabi," the only data on the city I could retrieve from my brain was the Garfield/Normal reoccurring bit. I'm obviously more cognizant of western media attention on UAE now that I live here, but during my recent three-week U.S. sojourn, I felt like coverage of the UAE was inescapable.

The single-most interesting example is the Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol trailer release, featuring Tom Cruise back as Ethan Hunt and moving with a purpose in and around Dubai. The trailer highlight is Cruise repelling down the Burj Khalifa (starting at the 1:51 mark), the world's tallest building (for now).

The scenes on Da Burj (George Wendt voice) compelled by attention far more than the non-memorable plot and character set-up that precedes it. It's a nice stylized look at the structure, with more shininess and air clarity than I believe you'll ever see in person. And I have no taken in Da Burg from most angles.

Approaching Dubai on the road from Abu Dhabi (approximately 12o kilometers between), the city starts coming at you in waves of skycrapers out of the open desert - waves because there are 3-4 clumps of skyscrapers with less-developed areas for a few miles in between. The effect is that you have no real scale for the skyline as you approach it - with almost everything being massive or at sand level. So nothing tall looks as tall as it actually is, especially Da Burj. From a couple of miles out, you could probably convince yourself that it's a 70-story building surrounded by 30-story buildings.

Then as you get closer you realize the buildings around it are all probably around the size of the Empire State Building, and they only go about halfway up Da Burj. And when you stand next to the Burj and look up it, with the four-level Mall of Dubai connected to it on the side, you fully believe your by the world's tallest building.

From the Mall of Dubai outdoor area:


From 124 floors up Da Burj (featuring my thumb):



We've been around Da Burj numerous times during our must-visit stops at Potbelly and Taco Bell in the Dubai Mall, but this past weekend with friends in town, we splurged and paid to go as far up it as they'd take us. Unfortunately that's only to the 124th floor - no where close to the needle-like top - and the experience of going 55% of the way up the world's tallest building does not seem worth $30. For viewers of the above picture trying to grasp the entire scope of Da Burj, here is what you should deduce - those are very tall buildings in the background, very far below the outdoor observation deck where we stood, and that thumb is still a long way from the top.

To compare:

The whole Burj is 2,717 feet high.
The thumb picture is from 1,483 feet high.
The Empire State Building is 1,25o feet high.

The whole Burj is 160 stories.
The thumb picture is from the 124th story.
The Empire State Building has 102 stories.

You can get more background on Burj Khalifa on its Wikipedia page, including all of its records and the costs of such an undertaking. The point here is that its a pretty amazing structure, but the tourist visit to the 124th trip is a jip. Hopefully Tom Cruise's endeavors will take us closer to the top.

As for the movie, the filming in Dubai stirred up a lot of excitement round these parts. The trailer was posted on all my favorite English-speaking UAE sites, including The National, Gulf News and Emirates247.

I believe the most notable UAE portrayal in Hollywood to date was the less-than-favorable look at Abu Dhabi as the setting of Sex And The City 2 (although it was actually filmed in Morocco). The film was viewed by many critics as a lampoon of the UAE. (I need to watch SATC2 and provide commentary as a separate blog entry at some point, but of course the movie is banned here, so I'll have to figure out a cheap way to watch it).

I bet a lot of the natives here view Mission: Impossilbe - Ghost Protocol as a chance to overtake SATC2 as the UAE's most noteworthy splash in western entertainment. The UAE wants to be seen as a spectacular country, and getting Da Burj front and center in a worldwide blockbuster action adventure would make up for being mocked by the world's foremost chick flick franchise.

(A commemoration to the filming of Ghost Protocol on the ground floor of Da Burj, featuring a director's chair made for Sheikh Mahammed bin Rashad al Maktoum, the prime minister and vice president of UAE)


Personally, I'm interested in the movie to see how Dubai and Da Burj are portrayed visually and culturally, and because Brad Bird of Ratatouille/Pixar is directing. If he can make me care about a cooking cartoon rat, he can definitely get me re-engaged in the MI franchise.

Taking Stock of my American-Sports Ethnocentrism

The U.S. is influential here, but it's not the center of the Earth. It's probably most-closely analogous to a central generator in regards to the entertainment industry, where American pop and Hollywood blockbusters are generally regarded as “the biggest deal” amongst music and movies, respectively, in the UAE. Politically and financially, the U.S. is seen as important, but not necessarily driving the world.

That assessment might not be the least bit shocking to people back in the U.S. Why would anyone think that a small country in a different hemisphere would view U.S. culture with unparalleled significance? Well I did before I moved here – that's just always been my take on the world. And that perception hasn't necessarily changed.

At the same time, I came to this country with self-aware ownership of this belief, and highly sensitive to that when it's expressed, it will probably offend or disgust everyone else. And I've been keeping my eyes and ears peeled for signs of repulsion towards American ethnocentrism.

Like when my buddy the Indian employee at Starbucks asked where I was from, and I mindlessly told him “Baltimore,” which assumes 15-to-40-deep knowledge of American cities – a lot deeper than I could go in India.

Or when I sat at a bar with friends trumpeting the latest seasons of Community and Parks and Recreation (which Leslie and I joyously watched on Hulu) with the faint suggestion that other customers might want to eavesdrop, so that they could mentally note the programs and check them out later.

And when I read the review of Snoop Dogg's May concert in Abu Dhabi, I was expecting a more critical take on his brazen, “I will do whatever I want, including rap about getting laid while wearing traditional Emirati clothes” attitude.

Subtly or overtly, toward me or toward others, I haven't yet perceived much irritation about “the ugly American(s).”

The exception is in the sports sphere. Not only can I find no topic where the American world is more Pluto-like to the collective conscious of the UAE than sports, everyone seems to be touchy about the American viewpoint. We are seen as glib. Two recent articles I stumbled upon really got me thinking about this.

The first was a U.S. Open column in The National by Chuck Culpepper, who I believe is the same American who wrote this book. Now a columnist in the UAE, Chuck feels that it no longer makes sense to have three of the four golf majors within the U.S., and that there should be another to accompany the British Open. I believe there's an undercurrent in this article – the idea that Americans will fuss about the idea of relinquishing our stranglehold on major golf.

“Tennis, for one, lucked into something superior,” Culpepper writes. “Its majors came along organically in a four-country sprinkling across the world. Maybe golf approaches a time when the United States could take the creation it borrowed and perfected and magnified, and share it further. Parents always did say it was good to share.”

The second piece that caught my attention was on the new ESPN sub-site Grantland, the baby of sports-/pop culture-everyman columnist Bill Simmons. (Here's my elevator take on Grantland so far: It's striving to be something fresh in the sports blog world – a familiar new media style in that it's uninhibited by old-school journalism's self-imposed boundaries, but Grantland emphasizes storytelling and compelling writing more than other blogs. It doesn't have the anti-establishment tone or the tabloid-style gotchas, and it runs on the 24-hour news cycle moreso than the 30-second one. Most importantly to me, it's about loving sports way more than it's about hating them. I think it fills a nice niche, and I'm enjoying it immensely).

Given my new-found sensitivity to ugly American syndrome, this Grantland article written by Michael Schur and Nate DiMeo made me cringe a little, “a pair of red-blooded Americans” doing a stream-of-conscious observation about their first experience viewing critic. Prior to writing it, they did not know any of the rules or customs of cricket, and the intended audience is Americans in the same boat. These two find the game to be plodding and anti-climatic, with most of the entertainment stemming from its campiness.

The writers are completely upfront that the piece will offend cricket aficionados, but I would probably go further than that and say that it would reinforce perceptions of the dopey, parochial American sports fan. I really wanted to hate this article, but I ended up enjoying all 12,000 words of it. I've never thought that cricket was a well-conceived game compared to my favorites, and nothing I read in that article (or have seen in cricket-crazy UAE) changed my mind.

As for golf, Culpepper is correct - I would be upset if a major moved out of the country, even the PGA Championship. Certainly I see the issue with having 75% of the biggest events in a world sport in one country, but I think the U.S. does an incredible job of putting on these events, and I'd be suspicious about the quality of a new major springing up in Australia, or somewhere else.

I don't love fitting their idea of the ugly American sports fan, but I think that's just the way it is. I don't think our sports universe is perfect (the NBA's 24-second shot clock disfigures basketball, the MLB season has always been absurdly long, etc.). I also want to continue to give “non-American” sports a chance. Like, I'm starting to find rugby more compelling than I've ever given it credit.

But I do think the U.S. does sports the best in the world, by far, and I think I can make good arguments in support of this. The difficult question is which road I take when I get into sports conversations in the UAE...Which shows less character – perpetuating negative perceptions about American sports fans, like Schur and DiMeo probably did, or withholding sincere thoughts to avoid disharmony (not keepin' it real)?

Wish List of An American Glutton

In precisely one week from today, I'll be making my first U.S. return trip, and it's going to be a lengthy three-week visit. Truthfully, I feel a little strange about coming home already - I'll have lived in Abu Dhabi exactly three months at that point. I'm obviously not coming home every three months, and three weeks will be equal to 25% of my total time in The Middle East thus far, so it almost seems like I should be holding out longer.

On the other hand, returning to the U.S. during UAE's 110- to 120-degree summer months makes the most sense, I don't yet have a job limiting my vacation time, and a trip around the 4^th of July gives me the best chance to see maximum family and friends.

You could definitely make a case (and I'm planning to get more into that tomorrow) that I've been away too briefly to make this trip into a self-indulgent Americana party. Yet if you know me well enough, you know that's obviously what I'm doing anyways. Also, my game plan revolves around eating and drinking.

Here's my mission, with items ranked by importance:

Must-Get Foods

5 Charcoal Deli pit beef – Hell this was on my list every time I came up to Cockeysville from Arlington. Why is pit beef not a bigger deal everywhere? It's the Built To Spill of foods.

4 Crab Pickin' – Probably going to happen in Bethany, most likely at Mickey's. But I don't even care, I'll take any place that sticks steamed, Old Bay-laden crabs in front of you on a tray. More than anything else on the list, this appeals to me for the home-sweet-home-y experience as much as the delectability.

3 Hearty pizza – You can get pizza here that is very decent or pizza that is unmoving, but either way, it's going to be very flat with finely minced toppings. It leaves me craving American pizza with thick crust, thicker cheese and tomato sauce layers and corpulent toppings. Bottoms Up of Richmond jumps to mind as the opposite of UAE pizza, but I will happily settle for Maria's and Grotto.

2 Maryland snowballs – As hot as it is and as much as people love dessert here (now that we have a new Bloomsbury cupcakes next door, that Al Wahda Mall now has nine dessert-specific stores by my count), there are no shaved ice-type offerings. On a related note when I get home, I'm going to see if Snoasis as any interest in expanding the franchise to Abu Dhabi. My preferred flavors will be: 1- chocolate mint 2 Hawaiian delight – 3 root beer float.

1 Homemade char-grilled bacon cheeseburger – Bacon is attainable in special bacon rooms at certain UAE grocery stores, but we don't have an outdoor grill, and even if we did, I'd be uneasy about cooking bacon outside. I fear the smell would offend Muslims.

The Rest of the Top 20

20 Buttered popcorn – Couldn't get it buttered at the movies here

19 A brat – Anywhere to get a good brat in the O'Hare Airport? That's where my damn second layover is

18 G+M crab cake

17 Chipotle – burrito bowl

16 Gumbo – Possibly from Cheesecake Factory

15 Denny's or IHOP – Preferably between midnight and 3 a.m.

14 Authentic or semi-authentic Mexican – Overserve me with some type of combo platter

13 Make your own ice cream sundae - Preferably in a plastic MLB team hat

12 McDonalds McNuggets – McDonalds is huge here but strangely no McNuggets on the menu

11 Maryland sub shop subs – Be it cheesesteak, Italian cold cut, G&M crab cakes

10 Dogfishhead beer

9 Sushi buffet (Any suggestions on where?)

8 Wings – Preferably while watching sports on Gheorghe Hagi (the name of my TV that didn't make the trip to UAE)

7 Miller's corned beef sandwich and matzah ball soup

6 Gooey blender drinks – Topping the list are Mudslides and Dreamsicles

5 McDonalds sausage egg and cheese McMuffin and bacon egg and cheese biscuit in one run - We can get this here, but its a crappy replica with no pork)

Seven Activities on the “To Do” List

7 Enjoy Fireworks – I'm not sure if this is possible. The excitement returns I get from watching firework displays diminished into nothing long ago. In my opinion, the lack of innovation in fireworks is mind-boggling – I've been watching pretty much the same array since I was four. In fact, I think how much I enjoy fireworks on the 4^th will be the truest test of the extent to which I'm homesick.

6 Gamble – Poker. Sports. Inane arguments. Let's put our money where our mouth is as much as possible over those 3 weeks (Hopefully my friend Trey gets wind of this)

5 Spend a bunch of Dirhams at The Rusty Rudder

4 Kick a female in the hindquarters in a crowded public place with no repercussions – Fair warning to my cousins

3 Watch The Hangover 2 in U.S. theatres - Where the the censors won't rob me of Ken Jeoung wang shots in all their glory. Also my tradition for this type of movie is to sneak Jack Daniels into the theater, but given my falling tolerance, I may try to smuggle a giant margarita instead

2 Watch any live American sports – I'll be excited for the MLB All-Star game for the first time in 10 years.

1 Hugging – Hug my family but good; one-arm hug my friends awkwardly; hug a certain black lab like a Snoopy/Charlie Brown reunion

I will be cataloging my success with this list as meticulously as I laid it out.

Also, this entire blog entry should make a nice segue into tomorrow's proposed topic – What is culture shock?...Am I that?...Is it something to be ashamed of?

Video: A Glamorized Look At Abu Dhabi's Cityscape

The collection of my photographs have failed to paint a holistic vision of Abu Dhabi (especially my food-mission pictures), so here's an interesting video that might do a better job - a stylized, un-narrated collection of cityscape visuals from Abu Dhabi in 2011. Timeout Abu Dhabi, one of about three great print/online outlets here that make me think the Middle East might be one of the last havens for print media, claims that more than 300,000 people have viewed this video.

I'd critique that neon isn't quite that prevalent in the city, and Abu Dhabi is more sleepy than glitzy. Plus the video really should feature more time-lapse images of construction projects, which are seemingly boundless here. That's something neat to have going on around you - it creates a feeling that Abu Dhabi offers new opportunities all the time, and it will continue to do so indefinitely.

Besides those nitpicks, I think it's a worthy video for an outsider to watch to get a better feel for Abu Dhabi - composed of long blocks of skyscrapers, uniquely shaped buildings, bridges and mosques and a nice little coast line along the The Corniche:

Reader Appreciation Day

I wanted to take a moment to thank everybody visitng this blog so far for checking it out. It's not the most ambitious project on the web as of yet, but I love writing, and it feels great to be doing it again. Even moreso, it's gratifying to have people that care enough - that are interested enough - to read this blog. So once again, please know how much it's appreciated.

I do feel that The Easy Outsider has its wheels off the ground - that I have a good idea of what the blog is and what I want it to be. I'm aiming to write more frequently, and to cover subjects that extend beyond accounts of my day - such as commentary on sports, culture, technology, social media (and maybe politics?) here. While the first weeks we're very much about wandering and discovering, and I tried to avoid making rash assessments, I now feel familiar enough with the landscape to make some critical assessments. So that is a goal moving forward, but there will still be plenty about what I'm eating and where I'm swimming,

Also, I am going to attempt to begin responding to some of the comments. Despite the casual tone, I'm trying to view this project as seriously as possible, like I'm auditioning for a lifestyle blog on Yahoo! Sports or The Washington Post or whatever. Thinking about it in those terms keeps me focused in the direction I always intended for my writing. So even though it's fairly common for bloggers to carry on one-to-one conversations with readers in comment sections, I find too much of it can be a bit discrediting. That has been my thinking, but I don't want it seem like I'm ignoring the interest and support, so I'm going to try to respond to most comments moving forward.

However, please feel free to email me direct questions and feedback at shift78@gmail.com. Not being facetious at all when I say I would love to get more emails.

Furthermore, I also have abridged inane observations for you consumption on Twitter. If you want to follow me, I'm @steelydwill.

Now I need to make up for lost time on the comments people have already left, so here goes...

Brett - Latest update has me making my summer visit for two weeks around The Fourth of July, so looks highly unlikely that I'll be back for Labor Day.

Will - Coincidentally enough, Abu Dhabi Week just ran a fishing article. The article is written in the Will Leitch second person, which I find incredibly annoying, but there are some details about area fishing at the bottom.

Uncle Steve - Now notable progress toward becoming the UAE's next great soccer ref.

Aunt Nancy - The price of eating out is a mixed bag, but it's not necesarilly as ultra-expensive as we thought six months ago. It's easy to spend $60 a meal at one of the hotel restaurants - even more depending on the alcohol - and the quality is just as hit-and-miss as the $10 meals, in my opinion.

Barret - You are an excellent soccer player and I would personally vouch for you to replace one of the Brazilians for my nearby club, Al Wahda. However, your comments are scaring my family.

THE Oppressive Heat Arrives

The outdoor temperatures we just started reaching in Abu Dhabi exceed all of my previous experiences, surpassing youth baseball games in the low 100s at the Edrico Tournament every July. High of 107 degrees yesterday (42 Celsius), same number expected to register today. We knew this time was coming, as I doubt anyone moves to UAE without hearing sober tales about THE Oppressive Heat, and now here we are.

That seems to be the unconsciously agreed-upon phrase to describe the hot season around here - THE Oppressive Heat - as I've seen various strangers and bloggers use it. It should be the mascot of the Abu Dhabi professional indoor lacrosse team. Ex-pats will warn you that THE Oppressive Heat emerges as the central antagonist in UAE life sometime toward the beginning of May(not unlike The Ohio State University during September), and after five-plus weeks of highs in the 90s (which is fine by me), we leaped past the point of no return. For the next 5 months, all outdoor activity likely will have to be planned around it.

Now I have asserted many times over the years that I am a hot weather person, but that's as we define hot weather in the U.S. East. Birmingham, Alabama was certainly my favorite climate I have ever lived in, as I gladly exchanged regularly hitting 100 in the summers for winter days that rarely dipped below freezing. Miami's climate has always sounded great to me, and I don't have any more interest in seeing snow unless I'm skiing.

So secretly, I have been hoping that I won't find the UAE heat as oppressive as every single other person I talked with. 107 degrees felt survivable...like, you could still plan outdoor activities, as long as there's shade and a cool body of water around. In yesterday's example, we went to lunch by the pool at the Abu Dhabi Shangri La, and although you could feel the heat in waves like an oven door opened into an air-conditioned kitchen, spending a half hour in the artificially-cooled pool and then eating in the shade made it comfortable.

But the heat test has only just begun, as we don't plan to see another day with a high below 100 until October, and as we move deeper into the summer, we expect to hit numbers like 115, 120 or 130. Plus, unlike Vegas (where I remember feeling pretty comfortable outdoors the year I watched my friend Jeff play in the World Series of Poker in July), it is NOT a dry heat, they say. It is going to be plenty humid. All evidence suggests that time spent outside this summer will be time spent miserable, for me like everyone else.

Last weekend when we were hanging out at The Hilton and the weather was still pleasantly in the 90s, we set up shop in lounge chairs beside a middle-aged couple from Texas. Since you seem to run into a fairly limited number of Americans in Abu Dhabi (far more Europeans), they were excited to hear our American accent and immediately initiated a conversation.

We found out the guy is from Texas and keeps a summer home in Florida, so hoping for a little reassurance from the like-minded, I told him that I consider myself a hot weather person, and that I'm holding onto hope that everybody is exaggerating about how miserable the heat is, until it proves me wrong.

He chortled and with a still-distinguishable Texas accent said: "Brotha, I wish that was the case."

In related news, the average daily temperatures still look to be well over 100 in early September, and Labor Day is looking awful good as a time for my first trip back to the States. Heck, maybe I shouldn't wait that long.

Straight Flowing On A Boat

We're racking up an amazing number of luxury leisure experiences in The Middle East. I didn't write up much on my two trips to Emirates Palace or brunch by the beach at The Fairmont or brunch by the 31st-floor pool at the hotel that adjoins our building. Such times are pretty damn great. Feel free to cast me a braggart, but I promise I'm appreciating every damn moment of it. If I write a book about my time here, it might come off like the exact opposite of a Bret Easton Ellis novel, with a main character that is boyishly excited about every club and restaurant.

Yesterday was our second outing on a rented boat. The first time about a month ago, it was Leslie's entire company (up to that point) plus friends and family and boat crew. I'm no expert on boat sizes, but I'd guess it was a double-decker 50-footer, with about 30 people on board? This time, there were just five of us plus our Sri Lankan captain on a 30-footer.

Pretty outstanding day in the water and sun, as we spent about four hours out on The Corniche, the main seaside area along the Persian Gulf tributaries. The highlight of the day was a 15-minute period where a school of dolphins enveloped our boat. Leslie, of course, jumped in, hoping one would invite her to ride it. They were curious, but not quite that interested in making friends, so the closest anyone got to dolphin contact was from the boat about eight feet away. Unfortunately, they were fast and predictable, while my camera's shutter speed was predictably slow. Still, pretty amazing, and not something we had counted on at all.

Other than that, it was just a lot of swimming around and hoping that the water was fairly clean, drinking beers (which we had to hide like 16 year olds from the police boats) and frying like a hash brown in the 99 degree heat. I think we've gotten to the point of the year when no SPF can stand up against the Abu Dhabi sun for a prolonged period, and it's about to get a lot hotter.

Still, it was definitely one of those "it's good ta be da king" days, and we're generally not lacking for those in AD.

The Day We Got bin Laden, It Was Not Cute To Feel Like An Outsider

Well, one of the reasons I was excited to move to UAE is to see a different world perspective, and the bin Laden death certainly affected me differently here.

I'm proud of what I consider an important accomplishment for our national defense, and I'm highly interested in the details of the mission. But in an unfamiliar position of perceived vulnerability, I was mostly thinking of myself for the first 24 hours.

Still unwilling to let go of my American sports fixation, I woke up at 4 a.m. Monday GCT - in time to watch the last two periods of the Capitals game. After they disgustingly handed Tampa Bay a 3-2 OT win and 2-0 series lead on a shit line change 2.5 hours later, I angrily and abruptly went back to bed. Hadn't heard peep about Osama during the game, and I had been dividing my attention with Twitter, Facebook and Penn State football message boards. Must have just missed the early breaks on those platforms.

When I woke up again around 10 a.m. and checked Twitter, it was everywhere.

My first reaction was: "Wow, we finally got him. Justice wins out."

Within the first half hour, I had shifted to: "I'm in the Middle East now, I wonder if this will affect anything?"

And then finally, after receiving a fairly cautionary email from Leslie (who had left for work before I woke up) and reading the U.S. Warden Message (Hollywood has led me to become uneasy about any situations involving wardens), I was pretty freaked out.

Don't go outside any more than you need to. Don't visit crowded places. Don't take cabs. There could be some serious bin Laden supporters around. Anti-westerner sentiment that might have been below the surface may be ready to manifest itself in the form of a public incident. Someone like me could get victimized. This was the message I was internalizing.

Thus I spent most of the day feeling surprised, uncertain, alone and vulnerable, and for the first time since my early days, I would have loved to teleport home. I purposefully didn't leave the apartment at all yesterday until about 8 p.m. when Leslie and I grabbed carryout Italian from the mall. She went to work where business went on, which made me feel like a wuss, but she did have an office full of Americans sharing the experience.

It was was undoubtedly an overemotional overreaction on my part, but it felt like a potential game-changer on life here. The comfort that I had built over the last month seemed lost. That's not to say I was thinking "I wish we hadn't taken out Osama so I could still take carefree walks to Texas Chicken." I just had no concept of my own safety.

In the light of the second day, I'm no longer feeling or behaving like a 10 year old spending a night in a house alone. The good ol' Al Wahda mall next door has welcomed me in and taken my dirhams in exchange for Starbucks and Chinese food the same as any previous day.

Realistically, it's unlikely that UAE structures are going to be retaliation targets, or that westerners in this country are going to be attacked, but it's possible. I still can't say what the chances are. But you try to take a step back and assess the situation realistically and proceed with life.

Most of my family has been to Jerusalem. Many of my friends and I have been to baseball games at Tiger Stadium. It's a new type of safety concern for me, but that doesn't mean it's a grave one. Have some fortitude and adapt, Dan.

Other than that, I've been watching the news and reading the papers to try to get a sense of the Arab perspective. The image above is of today's The National, the English newspaper in Abu Dhabi that paid me to write two local soccer stories week. The themes of the opinion pieces seem to be 1) Osama was evil 2) he hasn't had much impact on Al Queda operations for a while 3) by orchestrating 9-11, Bin Ladin provoked the U.S. into bringing a fight to the Middle East and causing a lot of collateral damage.

I would like exposure to more of a "man on the street" perspective from the people of UAE, but the newspapers and English-speaking channels I've watched (CNN, BBC and Al Jazeera) haven't taken that angle yet. And I certainly can't figure anything out by studying faces at the mall.

I will say that I found some of the celebrations that they aired in the U.S. to be over the top. This perspective in Salon nearly mirrors my own view, but basically, I think there's a fine line between appreciating the serving of justice and celebrating the taste of blood. Without sympathizing for the incredibly evil, there's still a humanitarian-minded high road available for the taking here, and it doesn't involve crowd surfing.

Wild Wadi All I Ever Wanted

Yesterday was my one-month monthiversary in the UAE, and the celebration destination was Wild Wadi, a water park in Dubai. I consider myself a lifelong fan of water slides - preferring them by far over dry amusement park rides - but in truth I haven't been to one since I could legally drive.

After yesterday's trip, it will not be another decade before I return. In fact, if I ever get any visitors from the US, a day at Wild Wadi is almost guaranteed. Not only are water slides still great, they've gotten even better since my youth. Going in, Leslie, Sandra (her visiting friend) and I were half-expecting a fun-because-it's-pathetic experience. We thought we'd be laughing at Wild Wadi, not with it. Nope, it was pure fun.

Highlights included the 20-minute water slide where you guy up hill as well as down and the fish pedi pond, where you stick legs in a bowl and swarms of little one-inch garra rufa fish eat the dead skin off your feet. I was official photographer for that experience, but it looked like quite a unique sensation. Leslie and Sandra stuck it out for like 20 minutes, so I guess they came around after initially being freaked out. One lady customer had a far higher tally of fish gnawing on her feet than everyone else, to the point where you couldn't see them anymore - only little fish. I guess she had the sorriest foot care. Also, I'm glad I didn't get to see where I ranked.

But the true highlight of the day for me - and one of my favorite moments so far since moving here - came on the day's first slide, which was called Tantrum Alley. There's a good chance whoever named it didn't know exactly what "tantrum" means and probably wanted something more along the lines of American-style-hyperbole monikers like "cyclone" or "screamer." There was no crying, but there was substantial screaming in a variety of languages.

It's going to be difficult for me to describe this to differentiate from other water slide rides, but it involves 2-4 people on a large clover-shaped inner tube descending down about four stomach-dropping slopes that, at the bottom of each one, send you high up the sides like a half-pipe. Here's a video of randoms going down it, but I strongly believe their ride was lot more tame than mine.

Profoundly impacting the experience, I didn't get to ride this one with the girls, due to the need to stick the cameras in a locker (thus, no personal pictures) and the level at which "holding spots" is apparently frowned upon in The Middle East. So instead, I rode with three Arab high-school age boys, two of whom had eaten too much Texas Chicken or Hardees.

This situation developed very quickly - at the top of the line I had no idea that I couldn't ride solo. Within 15 seconds, I went from thinking I was going alone, to being herded into a spot next to the teenagers (all our feet touching each others', a little weird), to speeding down the first drop. Between myself and the two girthy kids, we made the ride extra exciting and dangerous. Each time we went down a slope and then up the side, it would look like either the jovial, long-haired chubby one was going to fall on me, or vice versa. I have to think that ride has caused some injuries in its day, and I especially imagine they shouldn't be allowing as much weight as we had on one tube.

In any case, it was damn fun, despite the small miracle we didn't have any casualties. Our tube definitely was airborne and threatening to capsize a few times - with the lads all yelling in Arabic while I screamed "Holy Shit!" and tried to remember what I had heard about tort law in UAE. Too bad there aren't any physical pictures, but I think some of the mental images from that ride are in my head for a good while.

I like to think my happy little Arab buddies feel the same way, and that somewhere on the internet they're writing to friends about their crazy water adventure with a giant white dude.

Eight Hours East: Pop Commentary - 4.29.11

I plan to take advantage of this pulpit periodically to get my pop culture opinions in front of an audience. A series of unrelated commentaries that have taken place in my head since arriving in Abu Dhabi:

2011 Music - TV On The Radio's Nine Types Of Light currently sits as my favorite album so far in 2011. From the first time I heard Wolf Like Me, I have consistently found most of their song compositions to be interesting, Rain Machine's voice to be compelling and their baselines to be air guitar-y. The newest release is another winner.

The No. 2 slot currently goes to The Strokes' Angles, but there are tons of albums I'm interested in coming out in the next several months.

Here are my Top 5 songs of 2011 so far:
1) Machu Picchu - The Strokes
2) Baltimore - Tennis
3) You - TV On The Radio
4) Still Sound - Toro y Moi
5) Royal Blue - Cold War Kids

NHL TV Deal With NBC/Versus - Certainly the NHL occupies a much better spot in the collective conscious of the sports-loving population than it did a few year ago (after the 2005 lockout). The rule changes helped make the game more exciting, especially getting rid of the two-line pass, and the league has more stars now. Now, the type of person who watches some sports is much more likely to be tuning into the NHL playoffs now than in 2007.

I'm sure this positive trend is a major reason why the NHL chose to re-up with NBC/Versus. ESPN made what was reported very close to a matching bid. It wouldn't shock me if there was more to the details than just the NHL picking NBC over ESPN's equal bid, but the NHL is framing it as their choice to continue with a partner they like.

I generally enjoy the Versus/NBC coverage - for me it's nowhere near as distractingly awful as most sports-broadcasting efforts. But I really feel like the exposure ESPN would provide, as compared to any other channels, is just too big to pass up. The NHL currently has two stars that have broken into the sports consciousness - Ovi and Crosby. A ton more should be there.

My uncle Steve is probably a 75-percentile fan in terms of the amount of attention he gives to sports in his life. I don't believe he could tell you much about Jonathan Toews or Steven Stamkos, and I think there are many knowledgeable-to-very-knowledgeable fans just like him.

That's what happens when ESPN nearly ignores you these days - that's the level of control they have. I have a very strong dislike for ESPN in the 21st century, because I think they have shat on their original brand (and core sports fans, in the process) in their endless, mind-numbing attempts to reach new audiences and create star personalities. They have no tact anymore. Still, I'd prefer to see daily NHL highlights on Sportscenter and have 21st-century weasel Matthew Berry running through his favored fantasy hockey players.

Without a presence on ESPN, it's damn difficult for hockey to be much of a water cooler topic. I think the NHL really underestimated how much that's worth by re-upping with NBC.

World War Z - On my 12-hour plane ride to move to Abu Dhabi, I read the last 2/3s of Max Brook's World War Z. It's a zombie post-apocalypse book that doesn't break entirely new ground, but I think most people who enjoy AMC's The Walking Dead would find it interesting (although I don't have any clue how the movie they're making it into will work, because it's like 100 short stories). For me, the "suddenly redefining your entire existence" angle felt personally relevant. My situation made me enjoy the book a lot more, and I have a feeling I will probably always remember that I read this book on that flight, just as I vividly recall starting Glamorama while taking off for Vegas for the first time.

Muscat Love and Road-Tripping Lessons Gleaned in Oman

At least where I'm from, the word "touristy" carries negative connotations. If you take a "touristy" trip, you opted for a psychologically comfortable experience, rather than immersing yourself in the local scene and taking on whatever that entails.

Our trip to Oman this past weekend was a great example of the precarious balance between chasing satisfying stimuli in a foreign place and amassing excessive stress in an unfamiliar environment. We saw interesting things, met great people and shared adventures and laughs. But some of the high points took a high level of stress to reach, while my favorite moments were those that felt exotic yet relaxed.

On Thursday night after Leslie got home from work, we took the 45-minute flight from Abu Dhabi to Muscat, the capital of Oman, population just over a million in the metro area. We had just over two days to absorb whatever we could from the country, with an early-morning flight home Sunday.

We stayed the first night in a Muscat Radison and then set off for less populated areas in our rental car Friday morning. The decision was to follow the path of some of Leslie's co-workers who had already visited, centering their trips around a circular route that begins in Muscat, goes approximately 200 kilometers south along the Gulf Of Oman to Sur, Oman, and then loops back north from a road about 20 miles inland. This slice of the country probably encompasses 1/20th of it total.

The co-workers came back with tales of wading in Wadis (dried up or semi-dried up river beds that tend to make interesting scenery/topography), cliff diving and camping - an outdoorsmen's adventure tale. This is what we were attempting to emulate, but the wild times during our Omani roadtrip related mostly to the roads and road stress, rather than leaping into water.

We had some handicaps:

1) We pre-ordered an SUV to rent, because we knew the terrain on this route necessitates it. However upon arrival in Muscat, we found out that all the SUVs are manual transmission, which neither myself nor Leslie can drive. After momentarily considering trying to learn stick on the fly, we settled on just taking a Camry.

2) As you can see from the images, this region of Oman is mountainous, with the hills beautifully rolling right into the sea. Unfortunately, Leslie is bothered by heights, and some of the wadis are back within the mountain range. So to try to get to them, we had to go up and down some slopy, windy roads that reminded me of going from Denver to Winter Park (minus the snow or greenery). Furthermore our Camry had weak breaks.

3) After this trip, I feel motivated to investigate the psychology behind road signs and directions in Oman and to write an essay about my findings. I'm convinced there's something fascinating behind the horrible assistance we received from signs, maps and locals. It's a very warm country - the people were tremendously kind to us. I highly doubt they're trying to dissuade visitors. But almost every instruction or label was blatantly wrong, misleading or vague. It was almost like everyone was unfamiliar with the concept of finding places while driving.

4) Acceptable dress in the Middle East is very different from the U.S., with women wearing garments covering them nearly from head to toe and men at least wearing long pants if not dishdashas. In many places, dressing in tank tops or shorts would be quite offensive to locals, if not downright illegal. But in Abu Dhabi or Dubai or Muscat, western dress has become commonplace by the many visitors and expats. During travel, figuring out when its culturally sensitive to "cover up" is difficult.

So the result of all this was that we spent far more time stressed out on the road and less time enjoying the sites in between our Muscat lodging stops. The main roads of the loop were no trouble, but once we exited them to find something, it usually involved tons of turning around, never actually getting there, going over rock-and-sand terrain that made us worry about getting stuck or a flat, etc.

On Friday, we left Muscat around 11:30 am, and we finally arrived in Sur around 6, only succeeding in finding one stop on our list during that time. That was the very pleasant Wadi Ash Shab, opening up to the sea on one side and winding up into the mountains on the other. Here we took a short wooden boat ride, and Leslie spoke Arabic to our congenial guides, who were surprised and tickled. It was nice, but the stress of being lost and the car-sick feeling that comes from constantly making u-turns hampered my ability to enjoy it.

We spent Friday night at a seaside motel in Sur cut form a similar mold as cheap-but-serviceable Atlantic coast beach motels from decades ago. The rooms were sufficient and overlooking the water, so it was a tranquil ending to a turbulent day.

On Saturday, we didn't allow ourselves to get into as many stressful situations, but things didn't start off smoothly, either.

The first development came a few miles south of Sur (the very bottom of our loop before we started heading west and north), when we tried to stop in a small-village quasi-strip mall to restock supplies like water (we went through tons of it, despite spending most of our time in a cool car) and gas.

This was the first place we visited where the locals' looks turned disdainful, because our westerner warm-weather clothes were revealing way too much skin. When Leslie bought water in a tank top at a small-town grocery mart, the clerk actually threw the changes back to her, an exaggerated display of his desire not to make contact. Of course with Leslie's familiarity with the Middle East, she has "covered up" many times in the past, and we both would have done so if we knew we were going to offend. Just a few miles before in Sur, there were plenty of people walking along the beach and town in various forms of t-shirts and shorts, and we didn't anticipate this reaction. Assuming that you left a "damn thoughtless Americans" impression on such people is a buzzkill.

The second issue was that we never made our one highlighted destination, Wadi Bani Khalid, because it involved that steep mountain pass. Leslie was driving, as she was the only person on the rental car agreement, but we actually got to a point where the vertigo was too much. We basically did a "Chinese Fire Drill" on an extreme downhill gradient, and then I nine-point-turned us back up the hill and eventually back to the highway to Muscat.

So Friday and Saturday were mostly just a pure-driving road trip. We got to see really interesting topography, from the mountains down to the sea around to the dessert and prairie-like areas and back to the mountains. We took pictures of roaming goats, sheep, donkeys and camels. These would be mental images I should remember vividly telling youngens about Oman 30 years from now (knock on wood).

But I also have a smattering of treasured funny memories from Mr. Kucharek's 11th grade Spanish class. Does that mean it was a good experience, despite all the time I was miserable?

The good news is the trip finished up marvelously, as our final evening in Muscat was delightful. We stayed at a four-story bed and breakfast, one street back from the beach and the sea, with more mountains just a couple of miles behind us. It was picturesque internally and externally. At around 6:30 pm, we sat on the fourth-floor deck and watched the sunset.

Then we went out to a Persian restaurant, Shiraz, and had a delicious outdoor dinner right on the water and overlooking the city. It was located in the Crowne Plaza Hotel...probably not a locals' spot...probably pretty touristy. It was perfect though.

The trip ended on a real high note - the last half day in Muscat was interesting, satisfying and memorable. I definitely would like to get back there while living in the Middle East, and I would still hope to visit more countries and regions that were never on my mind a few months ago.

I'd even like to take some more off-the-beaten-path journeys, but I really want to plan those carefully to minimize stress headaches.